I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
