i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
