Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
