I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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