Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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