i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
