Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
