I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
