um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You made out with two different species that night
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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