Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
