I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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