I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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