we're chasing vodka with high fives
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
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I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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