i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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