Are we in a gay sports bar?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
