I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
