I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
