chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
