i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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