Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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