Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
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I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?