Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself