there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
