after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
