I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
