Umm I'm too high to move.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And then he peed in my hair
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