Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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