Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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