please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think your dad took our porno
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
