Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
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I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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