Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
