I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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