i think my tv is drunk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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