Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Damn victory sex feels great
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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