Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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