My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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