just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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