Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
