Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need a beard to bite.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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