my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
