I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
