apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
