I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
