Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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