Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
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well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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