what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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