I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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