I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
