Pants 0. Shit 1.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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