I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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