Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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