some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
