Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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