I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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