Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
