I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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