just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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