bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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