All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
