You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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