she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
